Saturday, October 3, 2009

Blahbitty brown grass

I've been in much more of a visual mood lately, wanting to take pictures nonstop and trying so hard to get the courage to open my sketch book and draw portraits of the beautiful old spanish men and women who sit next to me at cafes. I guess this is one of those things - you want what you can't have. If I had received a grant to do nothing but capture images, I'd probably desire the expression of words.

When I look a little deeper however, it's not as simple as that dumb grass is greener expression that we sometimes say just before shrugging our shoulders and dead end-ing any conversation. The thing is, I know what it's like to be content even within my world of constant, intuitive decision-making that regularly tips me off my rocker. So how is it that now, when I have a nice apartment situation, an income for a few months, food on the table, an ever-so-slowly increasing number of nice friends, and a boyfriend who I am so very grateful for, do I feel that I can do nothing. I am becoming a very reactive person. Not to the point of apathy, but definitely stunned when I see someone who exudes the same positive energy I had only very recently. And those people, the reactive type that I feel myself becoming, are obnoxiously boring. So that's not an aspiration. I must dig with my fingernails to get out of this rut before my awesome opportunity passes me by here in Barcelona.

In the next few days, I'm going to do all I can to motivate myself back into the hyped up, proactive arena where plain goose droppings and cultural differences are fascinating and not frustrating. Where love is something to cherish and hold dear. And where I can hopefully find a state of true relaxation. Something I've not felt in awhile with all of these dramatic life changes that will perpetuate into 2010, without a doubt.

Oh, and as much as I hate to admit this since I enjoy knowing I am perhaps too independent, I think a lot of these feelings come from being in a temporary (thank GOODNESS) distance relationship with Phil. I can't move forward here, because he isn't here with me. We've actually discussed this before. It doesn't make it any easier, but it's out there, and we know that both of us are dealing with the stagnancy in different ways.

But let's just pretend that it could be a bit more than the simple distance relationship thing. For goodness' sake, people do that successfully all the time. And a month is not that long. But for the sake of finishing this blogpost and not deleting it all having come to this pseudo-conclusion... I will pretend its a personal dilemma and tackle it head on in the coming days with some major couch time. Just me, myself, and I...and maybe a sketchbook if I'm really bold.

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